The time when Jackson Biko called out all the useless men who turn up empty handed.
If you are going to show up at a girl’s house this Easter please carry a drink. If she doesn’t drink, then at least carry a piece of bread. Something French. A baguette. Or brioche. Never mind that she will probably say that she’s gluten intolerant. Believe me, she will eat it one day when she comes home pissed from a night on the tiles with her friends. If she doesn’t eat it, one of her girlfriends will. Or her cat. There is something to be said about taking a woman bread even if her cat ends up eating it. It’s almost Biblical – you know, Jesus and his five loaves of bread? You can’t go wrong with flowers, so carry a nice bunch (not roses!) if she’s on a diet – half of Nairobi is anyway, including some selective men who have grown so bold they now announce that they are “off carbs.”
I am told that we are truly badly behaved as Kenyan men. I wouldn’t know, I don’t date men, but I will take the words of the ladies who do. I did a quick poll (OK, three female friends) and up there with men who remove their socks in a woman’s house are men who show up with nothing. Women hate it. Carry something apart from your jokes. Also don’t bring a drink you like to drink, bring a drink she enjoys to drink.
You will be happy to learn that there is a whole section on wine in Yummy Magazine that can help in case you want to take her wine. But if you have no time to read that column, then please nip into a supermarket and pick a bottle by it’s label, or its price, or just pick Catena Malbec because I know a girl who swears by it and because she has great taste in many things it must be a decent choice. Picking a drink, any drink, is better than ringing the bell and leaning on her doorpost with your rumbled and very fake “Idris grin.” A man who shows up with a drink – even a terrible one – says something about himself. He says he respects himself and her company.
But it shouldn’t stop there. Take a drink to any invitation of a house party. I don’t have the handbook on cool but I don’t think it would be cool to show up at a house-party with bread. Even if the host is French. So, a drink it is. There are chaps who show up at parties with cheap drinks they wouldn’t drink, then when handed a glass reach for an expensive drink they wouldn’t bring to a party. Uhm, that’s cheap. Rule of thumb: bring it only if you can drink it. And now that we are talking about cheap, the other important rule this Easter is knowing when to leave a party. Some folk don’t know when to walk away from the table, they wait until they are led out and put in an Uber, whilst singing and trying to kiss someone. People might find it funny that time and laugh, but they will never forget your nuisance and such things travels faster than a Retweet in this borough.
Nobody will remember that you are the guy who brought the Glenmorangie Signet Selection to the party if you make a complete ass of yourself. The rule of thumb is always to leave the party when you are having the most fun, not when you can’t pronounce the host’s name.